Revenge

     I've been watching the TV show "Revenge."  The main character is carrying out a well planned and complicated revenge scheme.  I suppose the show appeals to people because most of us have wanted vengeance at one time or another.  Watching Amanda/Emily get even allows the audience to experience their own vicarious retaliation for wrongs done without the possibility of jail time.
     And yet, for some people, watching television isn't enough.  They have to step over the line and retaliate when they have been hurt.  Did you read about the dentist who pulled out all of her boyfriend's teeth because he broke up with her?
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/dentist-pulls-her-ex-boyfriend-teeth-split-210829769.html
The dentist is being investigated for malpractice.  The only teeth she'll be working on for the next three years will be those of her fellow inmates.

     "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."
                                                                       William Congreve in "The Mourning Bride," 1697

     The library has books that detail the many ways scorned women have exacted revenge.  Okay, so I read a couple of them years ago when a guy dumped me.  All of these primers start out by saying that the books are written as entertainment, not as "how to" guides.  While none of the reprisals outlined in the books come close to the bunny boiling antics of Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction," they have a certain evil genius.  The best revenge is tailored to the victim.  One deposed girlfriend repeatedly stole her ex-boyfriend's license plates because she knew he hated, more than anything else in the world, standing in line at the motor vehicle office.  Another woman planted thousands of plastic forks, tines up, in her ex's from lawn just before a hard freeze.  His greatest pride was his perfectly manicured lawn.
     Lest you think women are the only ones getting tit for tat, I'd like to mention George Hayduke.  It is suspected that the name George Hayduke is a pseudonym.  Mr. Hayduke is known as the "Meanest Man in the World" and the "Master of Revenge."  He has published twenty-three volumes outlining how to avenge a perceived wrong.  His tactics range from annoying, to illegal, to dangerous.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Hayduke_(author) Hayduke says there are eleven "commandments" that must be followed when you plot revenge.  They are:
      1. Never trust or confide in anyone.
      2. Never use your own phone.
      3. Never touch revenge documents with your bare hands.
      4. Pick through your victim's garbage.
      5. Bide your time.
      6. Get a mail drop in another city.
      7. Learn everything about your victim.
      8. Pay cash in a revenge plot.
      9. Trade with merchants who have never heard of you and wear a disguise.
    10. Never threaten your victim.
    11. Never leave evidence lying around (like one of Hayduke's books).
This guy is truly scary.  His brand of revenge goes way beyond stolen license plates and plastic forks.
     Justice is societal, but revenge is personal. http://thesaurus.com/browse/revenge  We've all been told not to take things personally.  We've also been told that success is the best revenge.  Give it a couple of decades and the hoochie mama who stole your boyfriend will become someone who did you a big favor.  The office schemer who beat you out of a job will become the person who spurred you on to find your true calling.  And the guy who dumped you will be totally whipped by the frigid bitch who was so much more attractive than you.  Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Don't Play with Your Food

     Have you ever looked at your plate and decided you you would rather not eat what you see?  If you are an adult you can wrap it up and put it in the refrigerator or scrape it into the trash.  If you are a kid, you probably have to stay at the table and eat at least part of whatever is turning off your appetite.  I ordered sweetbreads once when I was in France.  I blanched when I saw what was on the plate.  It looked like a beige, wrinkled brain, the express train to mad cow disease, I thought.  The waiter explained that it wasn't a brain - it was the sheep's thyroid gland.  Small comfort.  I cut it up, ate a couple of pieces, and pushed the rest around my plate.
     When we were in elementary school, it was always fun when the cafeteria served peas and carrots.  We poked our straws into the peas and carrots.  We jabbed until our straws were filled with alternating green and orange layers.  Then we blew in to the straws as hard as we could, expelling the green and orange cylinder onto our plates.  We also liked to bite into orange wedges and contort our faces into huge grins.  We walked around with our teeth sunk into oranges for ages, flashing our smiles.  Nobody knew about acid erosion in the 1960's.  Sucking Jello through our teeth was fun, too.  I wasn't a very creative kid when it came to food play.  The only trick I came up with on my own was smashing and stirring ice cream until it looked like a milk shake.
     I've never been much of a cook.  I make basic meals, and I've never gotten fancy.  I've never even made a radish rose.  Check out the work of some very creative culinary artists -

           

     Some people take playing with food in a different direction.  The chefs at Benihana are entertaining, though more with the utensils than the food.  YouTube is full of videos of kids juggling fruit.  Check out this video of the World Pizza Games.  

http://screen.yahoo.com/the-world-pizza-games-stuns-audience-29018374.html?pb_list=809f7f41-46e5-4104-9eba-e0702551faaf

     Penn and Teller wrote a book titled How to Play with Your Food.  I'm thinking about adding it to my reading list.  As always with Penn and Teller, beware if you are easily offended.

http://www.amazon.com/Penn-Tellers-Play-Your-Food/dp/0679743111

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaJjo1YBKFk

Things I Swear By

     My friend once told me that her grandmother considered Vaseline (she pronounced it "Basaleen") a cure all for everything.  If you got scratched, put some "Basaleen" on it.  Chapped lips, "Basaleen."  From what I heard, she probably smeared Vaseline on her forehead for a headache.  I think Vaseline is good stuff.  I go through tubs of it.  Of course, it's good for moisturizing dry skin and getting a tight ring over a swollen knuckle.  I've used Vaseline to clean dirt off of shoes and give them a quick shoe shine.  I also coated my forehead, ears, and neckline with Vaseline when giving myself a home perm during the 1980's and '90's big hair days.  Check out some other alternative uses for Vaseline -
http://www.wackyuses.com/vaseline.html
     There are other things that I swear by.  They are not as cool as Oprah's favorite things, but they make more sense for regular gals like us.  I love Shop Rite's store brand merchandise.  Almost all of it is just as good as a name brand.  The plain and vanilla yogurt in the large 32 ounce container is just as good as Dannon.  Shop Rite's canned vegetables are as good as Del Monte.  I stock up for the whole year during the Can Can Sale.  Shop Rite facial tissues are cheap compared to other brands even if the boxes aren't as pretty.  You might want Puffs with aloe when you have a snotty nosed cold, but for the occasional blow and throw, Shop Rite brand is just fine.
     Remember Herb Denenberg, the consumer advocate?  He reported, in one of his segments about cosmetics, that we should buy the cheapest shampoo available since the main ingredient of all shampoo is ammonium lauryl sulfate, a common detergent.  Herb advised spending a little extra money on a good conditioner.  I always buy Suave and White Rain on sale and usually pay about 79 cents for a bottle.
     The latest wonderful thing that I have discovered is Valspar paint with the primer in it.  The coverage is terrific.  If you apply it with those itty-bitty rollers that the HGTV people use, there is rarely a lap mark.
     These are some of the things I swear by.  Maybe I'll write about the things I swear at in another blog entry.
         

Early Detection

     Do you ever watch "The Big C," a Showtime series starring Laura Linney?  The show is about how a woman chooses to deal with her cancer diagnosis.  Since this is television, cancer is a whole lot funnier on Showtime than it is in real life.
     Watching the show got me wondering - just how likely is one to develop cancer?  The overall likelihood of a man getting any type of cancer in his lifetime is 45%.  For women, it's 38%.

http://nj.gov/health/ces/documents/lifetime_risk.pdf

     Since my mother had skin cancer, breast cancer and uterine cancer, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.  Every ache, pain, swollen spot, or red mark has me self diagnosing at the Mayo Clinic's web site.  Since only 5% to 10% of cancers are inherited, all of this worry is wasted effort.  My mother always said that all the ailments that hurt or otherwise make you feel miserable were not to be worried about.  In her opinion, the serious illnesses would sneak up on you quietly.  
     Check out Dr.Oz's video which addresses the most ignored cancer symptoms.  He and Mom seem to agree.

http://health.yahoo.net/videos/droz/most-ignored-cancer-symptoms

Don't obsess about your health.  Be aware of what your body might be telling you and see the doctor when a symptom starts hanging around for a while.  Otherwise, don't worry, be happy!  And ladies, practice breast self examination and get your mammogram.
   
 

Cheese and Peepperoni Dreams

     It's time for a poem.  This one is inspired by my elevated cholesterol which I try to control with a low fat diet.

I wish I had a roll with butter

Beside a quiche Lorraine,

But to avoid artery clutter

I’ll stick with just the grain.

I wish I had a chocolate shake

So thick the straw would stand,

Sometimes it seems like Eden’s snake

Will get the upper hand.

So I grill and bake and broil

When what I really want is fried,

To gain some years atop the soil

I’ll take low fat in stride.

And when those urges come for fat

When I crave cholesterol,

I’ll substitute this for that

And continue this long, long haul.

     Since I love whole grains and vegetables, it hasn't been that difficult.  Desserts are what I miss the most.  I doodled around with two of my favorite recipes and came up with a yummy, cholesterol free result.

No Crust Pumpkin Pie

1/3 cup egg white

1 - 15 oz. can solid pack pumpkin

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/2 tsp. salt

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp. ground ginger

1/4 tsp. ground cloves

1 - 12 oz. can undiluted evaporated skim milk

Combine ingredients in a large bowl and mix thoroughly.  Place custard cups or ramekins in a pan that has been filled with 2-3 inches of water.  Pour the pumpkin mixture into the ramekins.  Bake for 15 minutes in an oven that has been preheated to 425 degrees.  After 15 minutes, reduce temperature to 350 degrees.  Bake an additional 40-50 minutes or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean.

Carrot Cake Reworked as Carrot Muffins

(Sorry, cholesterol free cream cheese frosting is impossible)

2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

2 tsp. baking soda

2 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. cinnamon

1/2 cup canola oil

1 cup unsweetened apple sauce

1/3 cup egg whites

4 cups grated carrots

1/3 cup raisins

1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts

Mix ingredients in a large bowl until smooth.  Pour into a muffin pan that has been sprayed with Pam.  Bake at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes.  Baking could take longer, so check by inserting a knife near the center.  They are done when the knife comes out clean.

     I just had a delicious dessert at a friend's house.  I suppose you could call it No Crust Apple Pie.

Apple Tapioca Dessert

2 cups apple juice

1/3 cup tapioca

1/2 cup sugar (or 1/4 cup white and 1/4 cup brown)

1/4 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. nutmeg

4 small, tart apples, peeled and sliced

Spray large baking dish with Pam and set aside.  Mix water, tapioca, sugar, and salt in a pot.  Bring to a boil and cook according to the directions on the tapioca package.  When the tapioca is cooked, mix in the sliced apples.  Pour apple tapioca mixture into the baking pan.  Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 30 minutes.

     Granted, none of these are low-cal foods, but they will fill the void that you used to fill up with bacon, cheese omelettes, and ice cream.   

Pollen

      The oak trees are pollinating.  I hate this time of year.  On a windy day, it rains strands of pollen.  The gutters and downspouts are jammed with it.  It's wrapped around the car's windshield wipers.  It's all over the yard.  The dog comes in with the stuff tangled in her curly, poodle hair.  If I don't pick it out of her fur, it is spread throughout the house.  I'll spend the next month climbing up to clear the gutters before each rain storm and raking the patio after a windy day - all the while wearing a mask.

      

     Mike's eyes are itchy and red.  It's my job to dose him with eye drops because (in his words) he has a problem administering eye drops to himself.  The process of getting drops into Mike's eyes resembles a scene from "A Clockwork Orange."
     It should all be over by June.  We'll enjoy the shade of the stately oak trees this summer.  This fall the trees will drop leaves and acorns all over the place.  The squirrels will bury all the acorns that I fail to rake out of the yard.   The whole pollen cycle will repeat next spring.  I'll also be digging up all the baby oaks that have sprouted from the squirrel's planting efforts.  Is anybody besides me getting too old for this?      

Buzzzzzz

     Besides chickens, my father kept honey bees.  Beekeeping is known as apiculture.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beekeeping  The place where hives are kept is called an apiary.  In my father's case, the apiary was at the far back of our lot.  There were two gray boxes that sat up off the ground.  Bees flew in and out all day long.
     I was afraid of bees and hated having to pass the hives.  "Leave them alone and they will leave you alone," was what I heard every time I whined about the bees being along the path to my swing set.  This off the cuff advice was not exactly true.  Though I looked straight ahead and walked calmly past the bees, I still managed to get stung more times than I can count.  Once a bee got tangled up in my hair.   My mother had to examine my scalp to find the stinger.  I twisted and carried on while she had me head in a headlock.  Honey bees deposit a stinger when they bite.  The stinger has to be removed quickly to reduce the amount of venom delivered to the victim.  Scraping with a fingernail is the most handy way to remove a stinger.  Tweezers can also be used.   Another time a bee flew into my open mouth.  I spit it out and took off running for the house.  The bee didn't sting me.  It felt fuzzy on my tongue, though.  On the occasions that I was stung, I would hear, "Well, the bee will die now.  You have your revenge."  Honey bees sting as a last resort when they feel very threatened because losing the stinger basically disembowels them.  Small comfort when you are seven years old and your scalp is throbbing.

Bee hives

 
     The bees did provide a learning experience that, I'm betting, none of the other kids in school had.  I learned about the composition of bee society - workers, drones, and the queen.  The workers were all female (sound familiar?).  They come from fertilized eggs laid by the queen.  Males or drones came from unfertilized eggs.  There is one queen per hive, and she is the only bee capable of reproducing.  Worker bees, who feed all the bee larvae, feed large amounts of a substance called royal jelly to that special little larva that becomes the queen.  The queen flies high into the air, mates during this one time flight with several males (who drop dead afterwards), and returns to the hive for a lifetime of egg laying.  She can live 3-5 years and is replaced when she dies or fails to be productive.  Worker bees live only six weeks during the summer, but can live 4-9 months through the winter.  Drones are on stand-by for mating during the summer, but get pushed out of the hive in the fall.  Why feed a useless male all winter when you can make a new one in the spring?  http://www.backyardbeekeepers.com/facts.html

The smallest bee on the left is a worker.  The middle bee is a drone.  The largest bee on the right is a queen.

     Whenever my father worked with the bees, he wore his bee suit.  It was a khaki jumpsuit with a hat and veil.  Some beekeepers wear gloves, but my father usually used his bare hands.  The main thing to do was to keep bees off one's face since the face tends to swell when stung.  Beekeepers also use a device called a smoker when working in the hive.  The smoke, produced by various types of smoldering material, calms the bees.  Once a hive was turned over by some mischievous neighborhood kids.  My father set the box back in place.  He found the bees in a huge, swarming mass in a nearby tree.  He grabbed the queen and placed her inside the hive.  All the bees followed her back home.  Problem solved. Beekeepers sometimes move hives.  Let's say you want apple blossom honey.  The thing to do is to move the hives to an apple orchard when the trees are in flower.  The guy who owns the apple orchard gets his trees pollinated, and the guy who owns the bees gets honey from a particular source.  If you saw the Peter Fonda Movie called "Ulee's Gold" you learned about tupelo honey, a highly prized honey from the tupelo tree.  http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-tupelo-honey.htm 
I remember that my father moved some hives once.  The transfer was done at night, when the bees were asleep.

Bee Smoker

        

Bee Suit

     Dad just liked having bees.  I only remember one time that he took honey from the hives.  The process involved removing waxy, wooden frames from the hives and spinning them to extract the honey.  http://basicbeekeeping.blogspot.com/2008/05/extracting-your-honey.html  Our honey was very dark, not the pale golden stuff that comes from the supermarket.  My mother explained that the bees made our honey from many different flowers, and that produced dark honey.  I can't vouch for this since she was the one who said bees will ignore you if you ignore them!
     Another thing that my mother told me was that beekeepers didn't get cancer.  Her information came from the Anton Cancer Research Center in Germany.  In 1952, they published a report saying that there were no people with the occupation of beekeeping among the people with cancer that they studied.  The assumption was that bee stings stimulated the immune system and warded off cancer.  These days people are swearing by bee sting therapy for all sorts of ailments from arthritis, to Herpes Zoster, to Multiple Sclerosis.  The research, however, doesn't back up the benefits of being stung.
     There are a lot of people traveling around with epinephrine pens ready to inject themselves should they be stung by a bee.  Just how  common is a full blown case of bee sting anaphylactic shock?  Ten to fifteen percent of us will experience large areas of swelling that can last for up to a week after a bee sting.  Only .5% of children and 3% of adults experience full blown anaphylaxis after a sting.  I once met a family who had incurred a $3,000 emergency room bill when they took their child in for a bee sting.  After waiting 3 hours, they were told they had no reason to be there and sent home.  The lesson to be learned is that if you are not gasping for breath 20 minutes after a bee sting, you'll be fine.
     You won't find many back yard bee hives these days, but you might find them on top of city hall in some big metropolis.  City beekeeping is the latest trend.  With less green space, there are less pesticides used in cities.  This is a healthier environment for bees.  http://www.urbanfarmonline.com/urban-livestock/bee-keeping/unexpected-beehives.aspx
     So bees are a good thing,  bee stings might be a good thing, and honey is delicious.