How High Is the Water, Mama?

     That's a question Johnny Cash asked.  This morning I asked Mike how high the water had gotten when he told me one of the toilets was jammed up.  Fortunately, it didn't crest the rim.
     What's the big deal, you ask?  Grab a plunger and clear the clog.  That only works when the plunger  can form a seal around the hole in the bottom of the bowl.  Newer toilets are incompatible with plungers since plungers are round and the exit from the bowl is elongated.  This was a job for a toilet auger.  We have a drain snake, but I have heard they can damage porcelain as they flop around.  An auger is made for clearing toilet stoppages, and that is what you should use.  It was 11:00 a.m., and we had to be somewhere at noon.
     Now, back in the old days Thrifty Beverly would have closed the lid and gone to her appointment.  On the way home she would have stopped at a hardware store and purchased a toilet auger.  Depending on the decade, she would have either gone to the library for a plumbing book, or she would have spent some time researching clog clearing on the internet.  Auger in hand, bucket and mop at the ready, she would attack the blockage.
     These aren't the old days.  Whiny Beverly didn't want to be involved in any do-it-yourself endeavors that might end in being splashed with poopy potty water.  She also didn't want to miss out on the day's plans.  Mike called All Clear Plumbing.  They promised to arrive in one hour. They showed up in half the time.  A nice, young man cleared the commode in about fifteen minutes.  He let us watch, so we consider ourselves fully trained for the next occurrence.  A toilet auger is on the list for the next time we go to Lowe's.
     I like to heap praise on contractors and handypeople when I've had a good experience.  All Clear arrived quickly.  Their serviceman was polite, fast, and efficient.  While we are likely to try a little harder in the future to fix the jammed toilets ourselves, we would call All Clear for more serious plumbing matters.  Check out their web site: http://www.allclearplumbingnj.com/Plumbing_Contractor_Special_Offers_Hainesport_NJ.html
   
     Enjoy Johnny Cash:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14zHgCrywjU   
       

Excuses and Lies

     I think the excuses start as soon as we learn to talk.  One of the earliest seems to be dodging bedtime.  Kids have to have another sip of water, go the the bathroom one more time, give or receive another kiss.  It's all crap.  They just want to stay up later.  It goes from bedtime to homework.  That seems to be the next milestone in prevarication.  The standard my dog ate it has changed to reflect the times.   Now kids are saying, "The printer ran out of ink," or, "I left it at my Mom's house when she took me back to my Dad's house."  Maybe the best one is, "It accidentally got shredded when we tested the new paper shredder."  Maybe adults make the most excuses about why they are late for work (My alarm didn't go off.  I hit too many red lights.  I had car trouble.)  or why they can't lose weight (Exercise is boring.  I don't have time to work out.  I'm too tired.)  I read about an excuse for being late for work that turned out to be true - someone in Alaska couldn't get to the car because there was a moose in the way.  I suppose Garden Staters could claim a skunk is in the way.
     Do you know how you hear a song on the radio, but you don't listen to the words?  The other day, I finally listened to the lyrics of "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" by Train.  It could be a collection of Manti Te'o excuses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGzlMD4KM04      

M.O.M. - Mothers of Mediocrity

     I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies and I never raised a child (but I have lot's of ideas on how badly behaved brats should be handled).  I like this video by Johanna Stein, mainly because I get a kick out of ubber parents' beliefs that all these special things they are doing will make a superior child.  I hate to break their bubbles, but most of us have an I.Q. of about 100, and we are average.  That includes that little diaper dirtying, spit up shooting, up-all-night wailing bundle of joy in the expensive stroller.  Enjoy:

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/supermommies-130200090.html  

Sex, Drugs, and Lock and Load

      Here comes another one.  Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair was fired from his post in Afghanistan due to sexual misconduct.  He's charged with sodomy, adultery, and pornography. He's just one of many.  Over the last eight years, 30 percent of fired military commanders lost their jobs  because of sexually related offenses.  When you add drinking and drugs, 4 out of 10 officers with the rank of lieutenant and higher, fired since 2005, were dismissed for these bad behaviors.
http://news.yahoo.com/sex-major-reason-military-commanders-fired-123720150.html
     Everybody's trying to figure out what's going on.  They want to know why unethical behavior is on the increase.  I don't think people are any better or worse than they ever were.  I'm inclined to think there is no increase in bad behavior - just an increase in authorities doing something about the behavior.
     Besides soldiers, politicians are scrutinized closer than ever.  Running for office means having the opposition dig into how many times you passed out drunk in college.  Having an inside scoop on someone means having power over them.  Power gets exercised from time to time.
     Lest you think moral turpitude is something new, consider this:

     Eleven U.S. presidents cheated on their wives.  We've had 43 presidents, so that's about a 25% rate of infidelity.  George Washington might have cheated.  If he did, the rate would increase to 27.9%.  Thomas Jefferson didn't commit adultery, but after his wife died, he lived in sin with his slave Sally Hemmings.  I don't know how many congressmen and senators had extra-marital affairs, but I know Hezekiah Smith, our very own representative to congress from 1879-1881, was a bigamist.  http://helpmate4ever.tripod.com/Presidents.html
   
     Various internet sites claim the following presidents were alcoholics:
          John Adams
          Martin van Buren
          Franklin Pierce
          James Buchanan
          Ulysses S. Grant
          Chester A. Arthur
          Grover Cleveland
          William Howard taft
          Franklin D. Roosevelt
          John F. Kennedy
          George W. Bush
 
      It is said these presidents and vice presidents used drugs:
          Bill Clinton - pot, cocaine
          Richard Nixon - Dilatin
          John F. Kennedy - marijuana, LSD
          Dan Quayle - marijuana, hashish, maybe LSD
          Early hemp smokers - Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Taylor,
                                            and Pierce
   
     Every so often the History Channel airs a series called "The History of Sex."  After you've seen all five episodes, you might agree with me - that sexual shenanigans are pretty much the norm, especially in the military.

   
       
    

Humility

     It's a competitive world out there.  It's no wonder people inflate their résumés to get an edge on the other contenders.  However, it's the college kid who downplayed his abilities who was getting the attention yesterday.  Check out this request for an internship that is making the rounds on Wall Street:

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/kid-sends-perfectly-blunt-cover-letter-for-wall-street-internship--and-now-tons-of-people-are-trying-to-hire-him-151518002.html

     The modest undergraduate says he has "no unbelievably special skills or genius eccentricities," but his grades are good.  He offers to work for a pittance and is willing to shine shoes or fetch coffee for the opportunity to hang around and soak up knowledge.  He's probably going to get a job for being a proverbial breath of fresh air.
     Here's a little musical interlude from Mac Davis for those who don't believe in dumbing down:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYKWch_MNY0

Wigs

     My friend had her first chemotherapy treatment this week.  She's a face-it-head-on type of person, so she already has a wig for the inevitable hair loss that comes with chemo.
     Wigs, these days, seem to be mostly for people with hair loss and medical problems.  I remember a time when it was commonplace for healthy people with a full head of hair to wear them.  When I was in high school most girls had long, straight hair parted down the middle - cute little hippies, all of us.  When that long hair got oily, some girls wore short, pixie style  wigs. Those were the days before blow dryers, and washing hair in the shower every morning was forbidden by water saving mothers, so the wig was a life saver.  I remember walking down the hall one day, during the change of classes, when a scoundrel of a boyfriend snatched the wig off his girlfriend's head.
     A hairpiece called a "fall" was also popular in the 1960's.  It was an add-on to make the wearer's hair longer.  The hairpiece went on like a hair band.  The front, exposed hair, usually including bangs, was natural.  The voluminous, cascading tresses were fake.  A fall-type hairpiece made a come back during the early 2000's when Megan Mullally popularized upswept hair on the "Will and Grace" show.

A gag during one episode involved pulling off the hairpiece - just like in high school!

     There is a whole body of wig knowledge out there, and I knew nothing.  I decided to look into things and this is what I discovered:
     Wigs are made from human hair or synthetic fibers.  Human hair is not necessarily the best choice.  Each choice has its advantages and disadvantages.  Human hair is versatile.  You can cut, color, and style it.  It is soft and moves naturally.  With proper care, a human hair wig can last for years.  The downsides of human hair are high price and high maintenance.  A human hair wig is not ready out of the box.  It has to be customized for the wearer, and it has to be styled every day, just like real hair.  Synthetic wigs are affordable.  They are natural looking and they require no styling.  Just swish a synthetic wig around in the sink, press the water out with a towel, and let the wig dry.  A synthetic wig cannot be heat styled.  The fibers will melt.  They have to be washed with shampoo formulated for synthetic hair.  Synthetic wigs last only 3-6 months.
     There are five types of wig construction.  A traditional cap is made of durable lace netting.  It is the most durable and has lots of volume at the crown.  A capless wig is less expensive because it consists of only breathable webbing - no lace netting.  It is lightweight and cooler to wear.  A monofilament cap has special sheer material on the crown into which individual hairs are hand tied.  This type of wig allows the wearer to part the hair in any direction.  The sides of the wig are webbed.  A fully hand tied wig is made entirely of the sheer monofilament material and every hair - crown, sides, and back - are individually hand tied.  This is the best choice for a sensitive scalp.  A lace front wig is the best at mimicking the natural hairline and can be worn with the hair brushed away from the face.  These wigs usually require tape or adhesive to stay in place, and they are more delicate than other types.
     Wigs.com http://www.wigs.com/wig_buyers_guide.html has good advice on how to determine your wig size, how to select a style and color, and how to put on a wig.
     If you feel confident after reading all the information offered at Wigs.com, you could order a wig online.  If you would rather have the personal touch, there are wig shops in the area.  The biggest network of stores is probably Wig-a-do.  http://www.wigado.com/
     If you know someone about to undergo chemotherapy, be a friend.  Browse the internet with them or drive them to the closest Wig-a-do.  Help them pick out the most flattering wig, so they look good while the treatments beat them up.  It's a little easier if you don't have to worry about bad hair days or no hair days on top of all the other stuff.
         
   
   

Something Out of Nothing

     Many years ago a friend stayed with me for a couple of weeks while I recuperated from some major surgery.  She walked the dog, fixed my meals, and ran my errands.  One night she whipped up dessert - vanilla yogurt with sliced, seedless white grapes.  It was simple and delightful.  The smooth, creamy yogurt had little pops of flavor.
     "How did you come up with that?" I asked.
     "I get it from my mother.  She was always able to turn nothing into something at a moment's notice.  If someone dropped by, she could pull odds and ends out of the refrigerator and turn them into something special," she answered.
     I've often thought about this experience.  So much about being "the hostess with the mostess" rests not in serving the fanciest or most expensive recipe, but in adding some creative details.  My forte will never be cooking, but I'm pretty quick with the ideas and quirky twists.  Here are some of the things I have done to make guests feel special while they snack on a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies:
   
     Set a pretty (or an interesting) table.  Use a table cloth and some real cloth napkins.  There are dozens of ways to fold napkins.  Maybe you could personalize the napkin folding to fit the guest.  I recently folded napkins to look like jet planes for my brother-in-law, an Air Force retiree.

Here are a couple of great websites :
http://www.napkinfoldingguide.com/
                                       
http://www.marthastewart.com/276337/napkin-folding-ideas/@center/276958/holiday-entertaining

     Honor the guest's food preference.  If your best friend from college adopted veganism a few years back, get a can of vegetable broth and a bag of quinoa from Wegman's and keep it on stand-by in the pantry.  Here's an easy recipe:

     3/4 cup uncooked quinoa
     1.5 cups vegetable broth
     An assortment of vegetables.  This is a good combination: eggplant (sliced thin, peeled, and sprinkled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar), thinly sliced green and red pepper, sliced zucchini, chopped onion
     3-4 cloves garlic, depending on taste and the size of the cloves
     A small can of fancy diced tomatoes with herbs added

     Preheat the oven to 375.
     Prepare the quinoa - Rinse the quinoa three times with cold water.  Bring the broth and one garlic clove to a boil.  Add the quinoa and simmer for 15 minutes.
     Layer the quinoa and veggies in a casserole dish.  Pour the tomatoes over the top.  Bake for 30-40 minutes or until the veggies are soft.

     Put the dog away.  Not everyone loves Mardi the way I love Mardi.  Some people are allergic to dogs.  Unless your guest likes being covered in sloppy dog kisses, put the dog behind a gate.

     Display something the guest has given you.  One of my friends gave me some cupcake Christmas ornaments.  When she visited long after Christmas, I hung those ornaments from the dining room light fixture and served cupcakes.

     Here's the most important thing: Wear a smile.  It doesn't matter if you only have a glass of water to offer.  People come to see you because they like you.  You smile.  They smile. Everybody's smiling, and everybody is having a good time.

     

   
   
   

Kids and idioms

     When I was a kid it seemed like my grandparents and my parents spoke only in idioms.  All you had to have to be a parent was a head full of these phrases.  There was a saying for every situation.  Don't beat around the bush.  Curiosity killed the cat.  Knock on wood.  It's time to hit the hay.  Now that I think about it, I don't think I was ever told to go to bed.  It was always "hit the hay."
     Though I learned dozens of my idioms during my formative years, there were still a few that I didn't encounter until later.  These were the ones that had more adult themes.  "In like Flynn" was something I probably picked up in high school.  I was probably in secondary school by the time I found myself "between a rock and a hard place."  "High as a kite" and "Devil's advocate" are also late comers to my lexicon.  I never heard of "full monty" or "wag the dog" until the movies were released.
     Non-English speakers are taught idioms in their English classes.  Autistic children spend time in school learning  how to decipher idioms because they, by nature, are a literal bunch.  I was surprised to discover that normal, American born children have idioms in their lesson plans these days.  Starting in grades 4 - 6 and continuing through high school, idioms are part of English class.  Have parents lost the phrase book?  Why aren't kids absorbing colloquialisms from the world around them, like learning cuss words?  I'll bet cuss words will never have to be taught at school.
     I can't seem to find any scholarly material on why kids don't know idioms, so I have come up with some of my own ideas.  First, I think there is more give and take between parents and children these days.  Instead of issuing orders like, "Get that chip off your shoulder," today's parents are more likely to ask, "Why are you still angry about what happened last summer?" Parent's don't want to lay on the guilt like in the old days, so today's youngsters are less likely to hear, "I bend over backwards for you."
     Another reason certain expressions might not be used is that we have moved so far away from our agricultural roots.  What's the sense of telling a child, "He ran around like a chicken with his head cut off," when the last time someone in the family slaughtered a chicken for dinner was three or four generations back?  The same goes for "having an ax to grind."  If we need to chop down a tree today, we fire up a chain saw.  Horses have gone from necessities to luxuries, so what does, "Hold your horses," mean?
     I might be going out on a limb with this one, but I think church attendance has fallen off.  When children don't receive religious instruction, they don't "get" certain references in speech.  They never learned about the good Samaritan.  They don't know that Thomas doubted.  They don't know about Jobs' troubles.  Not being Bible readers, they wouldn't understand that knowing something "chapter and verse" means knowing it completely.
     I think idioms are more than pat phrases.  Besides being references to whole stories, they can be images.  Doesn't it make you smile to think about some mangy cur barking up at limbs and leaves when all the squirrels are two trees over?  Imagine a ten foot high pile of Hurricane Sandy garbage, but no kitchen sink.  Idioms make our speech and our thoughts richer.  An idiom user might be inclined to be a creator of some new idioms.  Here's one I just thought up - dizzy as a carousel horse.  A person with an insurmountable job might use an idiom to get to a quick solution of the problem:  How do you find a needle in a haystack?  Just take your shoes off and go kicking through the hay.  You'll find it.  And on that thought, I'll take a hike.              

Disappearing Act

     Our house came with white, plastic outlet covers that (like Mom used to say) stick out like a sore thumb.  I don't mind them in most places.  They are functional and easy to wipe off.  However, in the master bathroom and master bedroom I wanted to get some nicer covers.  The cost of replacing all the covers in the bedroom floored me.  It seems builders install three outlets on each wall these days.  Here's my thrifty solution:
     I decided that five outlets are visible, so I bought five nice outlet covers.  The other six outlets are behind furniture.  Since the original covers are bright white and the walls are dark, the contrast bothered me even though the outlets are behind dressers.  I decided to paint the covers to match the walls.  The problem is making paint stick to shiny plastic.  If I could be happy with a color similar to the walls, I could have used one of the Krylon Fusion colors.  The Fusion line is formulated to stick to plastic with no surface preparation.  I wanted to use the wall paint for an exact match, so ....

I sanded the covers with 220 grit sandpaper to remove the shine.  That circular thing looks like something from around the pipes in my parents' bathroom.  The electricians used it on the wall behind the television where the TV cables exit the wall.

I sprayed the pieces with oil based Original Kilz since it will bond to plastic.  Now  they are dull white.

I painted them with the wall paint.  The color is so much nicer than it appears in the picture, honest!

I painted the screw heads, also.  I poked them into a wad of plastic foam to hold them steady while painting.

End result.

Laughing It Off

     There's nothing funny about cancer, yet some people seem to find the humor in it.  Tig Notaro is a stand up comic who had breast cancer.  Nine months ago, she went out on stage and started her show with, "Hi.  Good evening.  I have cancer."  From there, it went on to, "It's gonna be okay ...  It might not be okay ..."  Having cancer wasn't her only bad news.  Shortly after her diagnosis, Ms. Notaro's mother died.  Then Notaro's her partner left her.  All of this misery went into Ms. Notaro's routine.  http://shine.yahoo.com/secrets-to-your-success-20120120/secrets-success-tig-notaro-164600226.html
     Kate Matthews http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-matthews/breast-cancer-awareness_b_2204593.html#slide=1816178 was also treated for breast cancer.  She has doodled a book full of cartoons chronicling her her treatment.  Here's one that cracks me up:

   
     There are bunches of humorous breast cancer T-shirts.  It takes eggs to wear some of these:

  

 

     The gals with breast cancer aren't having all the fun.  Check out this blurb for Rejuvenuts, a prostate cancer "treatment":

 
     Confronting cancer with belly laughs has become serious business.  The principle here is called "distraction humor."  Patch Adams might be the most well known person to employ laughter as medicine.  He founded the Geshundheit! Institute in 1971.  Treatment at the Institute incorporates naturopathy, acupuncture, and homeopathy with traditional medicine.  They also throw in "humanitarian clowning" because a big red nose, huge shoes, and an ooga horn can't hurt. Norman Cousins didn't have cancer, but he used Marx Brothers movies to lift his spirits as he battled heart disease and arthritis.  There are books written on the subject of humor and healing. Amy Boesky authored Fighting Cancer with Humor, and Robby Lee Feldman wrote The Last Laugh: Fighting Cancer with Wit and Humor.    
     The thing I noticed about all this joking around is that the one liners can't be delivered by a healthy person.  The quips have to come from people who really have cancer.  That's the way it has to be.  To them, God bless and God cure.

Andrew Levkoff said, "Oh, the unexpected consequences of perfidy."

     Don Puz was the recipient of a hand-me-down girl's bicycle in 1954.  His mother, recently widowed at the time, was happy to receive this two wheeler given the family's reduced financial circumstances.  Don, age eight,  was so embarrassed about riding around town on a girl's bike that he abandoned his ride in the woods and told his mother he lost it.  Just take a look at where it was found:

The tree grew around the bike and carried it five feet into the air.

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/bicycle-swallowed-tree-wash-154527745--abc-news-topstories.html

     Don Puz's mother Helen is 99 years old, and she finally knows the truth about her son's missing bike.  The truth will out.
     There are all sorts of interesting pictures on the internet of the things swallowed by trees.  There are park benches and traffic signs and even a pick up truck.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/13845408@N00/
http://hungrytrees.com/
     What I like about this story is the lying.  Lying is  universally expected and accepted.  You can exaggerate a bit.  You can tell a white lie or a protective lie.  You can lie by omission or mix a little truth in with the lie.  Some people lie to get ahead.  Irredeemable liars are called pathological liars. Sarcasm is always a lie, but nobody thinks of sarcasm as lying.  It's sarcasm.
     I looked up some quotes about lying.  Here are two of my favorites:

     "As a child I was an inveterate liar, as opposed to now, I am a Novelist"  John Green

     "There are three types of lies - lies, damn lies, and statistics."  Benjamin Disreali

     Finally, another quote from author John Green takes a little of the pressure off of the eight-year-old Don Puz.  After all, he learned to lie from his mother.  It might have been related to the stories about Santa and the Easter Bunny.

     "But mothers lie.  It's in the job description."  

     

Mitered Corners

     I found some cotton fabric printed with ants.  I thought it would be fun to have ant covered napkins - great for outdoor, summer meals.  Making napkins provides the perfect opportunity to learn how to miter corners.  I wanted 18" square napkins, so I cut 19-1/2" square pieces of fabric. The edges were turned over twice making 3/8" seams all the way around.  I used 2-1/4 yards of fabric to make eight napkins.

I  bought two different prints.

Turn the edges under 3/8" and press.  Turn them under 3/8" again and press.

A closer  view.

Open the fabric up.  The crease lines will look like this.  Cut on the top dotted line.  Fold on the bottom dotted line.

After cutting and folding, your corner should look like this.  The first corner fold should line up with the first side edge fold.

Turn down the second side edge fold and your corner should form a miter.  A little fiddling should make it perfect for pressing.  Sew around all four sides, staying close to the edge of the fabric.

There you have it.

Resolved: Expletives Deleted

     I’d like to stop swearing.  I’d be a classier broad if I could accomplish that.  It won’t be an easy task after indulging in free wheeling profanity for four decades.  I suppose the easiest way to do it would be to find some alternatives to swearing that are as satisfying to utter as the real thing.

     There are some quaint expressions like “gee willikers” or “gracious me” or even “land’s sakes”, but I would sound like a church lady if I incorporated them into my vocabulary.  “Balderdash” and “blast and tarnation” have a lot more spunk; but, if I used those, I would sound like a church man.

     I could get literary and borrow “zounds” or “gadzooks” from Shakespeare.  No, a pox on that idea.  This is 2013.

     There are some fictional curse words that might have a place in my verbal arsenal.  “Shazbot” served Mork well.  Rowan and Martin “bet their bippies” from time to time.  Even Sponge Bob hollers “barnacles” when he gets upset.  Great Goomba’s ghost!  What am I thinking?  That kind of goof juice will never work for me.

     “Heck” and “darn” are so trite, but I enjoy saying “hecky-darn”.  Poop.  I like the word “poop”.  Only people south of the Mason-Dixon Line should say “dagnabit”.  “Oh, biscuits” and “mother scratcher” don’t appeal to me, but “jeezy creezy” does.  I like calling foolish people “nimrods”. 

     It’s always a good idea to seek the advice of an expert when you want to make a change.  James O’Conner has written a book entitled Cuss Control, The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing; but, son of a monkey, it costs $12.95.  I’m too bleeping cheap to shell out thirteen bucks plus postage and handing.  I can pick up a dictionary for free and find interesting adjectives.

     Only a horse’s patooty refuses to change.  I’m going to stop using the standard dirty words and come up with a few sanitized expressions that are uniquely mine.  Rumplestiltskin, this could be fun!