Resolved: Expletives Deleted

     I’d like to stop swearing.  I’d be a classier broad if I could accomplish that.  It won’t be an easy task after indulging in free wheeling profanity for four decades.  I suppose the easiest way to do it would be to find some alternatives to swearing that are as satisfying to utter as the real thing.

     There are some quaint expressions like “gee willikers” or “gracious me” or even “land’s sakes”, but I would sound like a church lady if I incorporated them into my vocabulary.  “Balderdash” and “blast and tarnation” have a lot more spunk; but, if I used those, I would sound like a church man.

     I could get literary and borrow “zounds” or “gadzooks” from Shakespeare.  No, a pox on that idea.  This is 2013.

     There are some fictional curse words that might have a place in my verbal arsenal.  “Shazbot” served Mork well.  Rowan and Martin “bet their bippies” from time to time.  Even Sponge Bob hollers “barnacles” when he gets upset.  Great Goomba’s ghost!  What am I thinking?  That kind of goof juice will never work for me.

     “Heck” and “darn” are so trite, but I enjoy saying “hecky-darn”.  Poop.  I like the word “poop”.  Only people south of the Mason-Dixon Line should say “dagnabit”.  “Oh, biscuits” and “mother scratcher” don’t appeal to me, but “jeezy creezy” does.  I like calling foolish people “nimrods”. 

     It’s always a good idea to seek the advice of an expert when you want to make a change.  James O’Conner has written a book entitled Cuss Control, The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing; but, son of a monkey, it costs $12.95.  I’m too bleeping cheap to shell out thirteen bucks plus postage and handing.  I can pick up a dictionary for free and find interesting adjectives.

     Only a horse’s patooty refuses to change.  I’m going to stop using the standard dirty words and come up with a few sanitized expressions that are uniquely mine.  Rumplestiltskin, this could be fun!